wokring on my attitude

I think most of the time life is hard. Life can be very unforgiving. Then a saw a link to day on Facebook that made me re-think that perspective. 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tamara-star/7-habit-of-chronically-unhappy-people_b_6174000.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
 Recently, I've been putting time and effort into creating Me 2.0. I'm trying to drop some weight and I'm trying to get my financial house in order. I really don't like a number of aspects about myself and i really need to get to a a place where I do. My have found myself wanting more of a feeling of security in my life and the knowledge that i can give that to myself. Ive never felt secure, or content, even when i was younger. Nothing ever felt safe enough. So I looked to those around me to give me that feeling that i wasn't able to produce myself. this had, as you can imagine, disastrous results most of the time. I was in relationships with the wrong people for the wrong reasons, and I tended to listen to who was loudest. Loud and burly meant safe in my book. Yeah, you can see how well that went. Trying to get those parts of myself I didn't know how to find from elsewhere never works. It gives the other person too  much authority over you. But still I looked to others, who seemed to have that certain something I craved. I mimicked their choices to see if I could mirror those results. Nope, didn't work either. guess that means if I really want to be happy, I'm going to have to find that something in me that's been trying to be heard all this time. At least now I know its there. I just need to figure out how to get it out. This means if a person is being critical, its my choice to not engage. Just cause they say it doesn't mean its true. I want to like me. So I need to make choices that feel good to my heart. I need to make choices that fall into line with who I think I could be. Maybe I'm starting to think its OK if people don't agree with me. I don't know where i ever thought that was mandatory anyway. Thinking that way actually sounds kind of silly if you say it out loud.

progress

I ran into to this today online. It made me remember where we were a year ago today with P. Not in a good place. Fighting daily. Literally dragging him out the door to get him to school, with dents in my car from the effort. This was before we got him diagnosed. I look at him now, growing so tall, and for the most part, so balanced. At that moment, when I was in that place, it seemed like it was never going to get better, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I like getting reminders that if you do not give up and you do not falter, you can find a way through. It's never so dark that the sun doesn't rise eventually. I'm so proud of how far he's come. We did three pages of Social Studies homework last night with very limited fuss. That would not have happened a year ago. It does get better. I know I get some negative feedback from some people about the meds he takes, but I choose not to listen because they've not walked this path. I know what were doing seems to be working. I'm actually looking forward to the next year with him, and this is not something I would have said a year ago.

To quote my favorite movie:  "It can't rain all the time"

trucking

This really sums up how I feel as a parent right now better than I could ever say. Last night was a good night, but I spent most of it grouchy and braced for it to turn on a dime. I believe that my attitude has more to do with the outcome of this than most other factors, I'm trying to focus on the positive. Below are a list of things that drive me crazy about my kids and why they're secretly a blessing.

1. The mess, seriously they have no sense of putting something away or in the trash when they are through with it
-this means that I can afford to buy my kids food they like and is good for them and that they have things they enjoy using.
2. The non stop bickering and squabbling between them
-my children are healthy and free from disease and have the energy to voice their opinions whenever it suits them. They know their own mind and speak what theyre thinking whcih can mean they feel secure in their environment
3. Arguing about getting schoolwork done
-they live in a good school district where the teachers care if they do well and push them to do more, meaning assignments at home.

OK, so many if I just put the tight spin on it and and try to focus on what is going well instead of what is not, we can make this house a little saner place to live.

This is what i need to remember:

Starting Here

This started with the need to share that i'm having one of those days. Again. Still, is more like it. My going home from work will be chaotic and load and not all good. Hanging onto the thought that I was able to get an appt. for P in under two weeks. Anyone who has dealt with CHOP knows that's a miracle in and of itself. I'm tired. I'm so tired of this. I'd really like one day with no bickering, and no asking myself "What is WRONG with that boy?" or no mess. Or backup of any kind. In the meantime, ill think of things that get me through. Like this:

http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/slow-cooker-cheesy-potato-soup/9a278ca4-42b0-4259-8941-5805d9aacb7f

This makes me smile. Am I'm so going to make this this weekend. I take a great deal of joy in food. Teenagers are a thousand times harder than toddlers. I would really like to not fight with anyone when I get home. I do actually enjoy my children, I swear I do. No  one makes me laugh harder. But those moments are more and more of a fight to find. some days, anyway. I think that's it, never knowing what kind of day it will be ahead of time. Mornings can be OK, but once om home, its a crap shoot. I brace for impact most days as I pull in.

Ok enough for now.